090 * SEARCHING

It is often after so many losses that we no longer know the meaning of victory. The self is a being that lives for contentment and we know life as the neverending pursuit for satisfation. We know satisfaction as an existence outside that being. When loss comes, question not what went wrong, but the feelings that are linked with it. We have tried hard enough and we are mixing indignation with comfort. Indignation: an unhealthy ingredient, but beyond that an inner seeking of justification. The search for an explanation and a feeling of threaded ease that we tread our toes into.

Today, we lost but I am happy. Loss for me today, was dipped in the ripples of hope and the ambers of spirit, body and mind continued to burn.

Hwach lost debates but they did a lovely job against all odds, so much love. We lost our first match against NYJC 3-0 but beat VJC 1-0, so the feeling was bittersweet. For me, almost sweet all the way, since my coach praised me a lot and a lot. Sometimes, I really don't think I could be a team player.

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Everyday, I am looking for love. A love to tell me that I am right, a love to prove me wrong. I am no centre of the world, but the brass pendulum oscilatting between space, time and silence - where friction is not an option. There is no left or right, just a metal tip circling a millimetre away from midpoint: balancing loss and existence on the same plane. The needle shifts slightly and the broken compass shivers indefinitely. I think it feels a love coming from the centre of the earth, and gravity always wins.

        and I'm always searching.